It's about time we have an honest talk about the past few months.

Back on April 10, I posted a photo to Instagram talking about my struggles with food. It was a month or so into the stay-at-home order, and everything felt off. My routine was outta whack. I wasn’t running because my hip pain was outrageous. I was crying sporadically at my new desk in the middle of the work day from overwhelm. I definitely wasn’t drinking enough water, and I was also drinking alcohol a little too regularly.

I felt really helpless. 
I felt really alone. 

“I’m not failing by doing this,” I wrote on IG — detailing my 14+ trips to the kitchen that day.
“In fact, I’d be surprised if I wasn’t. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m concerned about masking what’s really happening on the inside.” 

And boy, was I. I was carrying a lot of extra weight, mentally and physically. My self-talk was rough. With time, curiosity got the best of me, and I stepped on the scale. It felt eerily similar to the day I braved the small digital device back in 2007. On this April day, I felt mentally in a similar, unsure space.

I knew I needed to do a personal audit. 

This audit wasn’t rooted in changing the number I saw on the scale, although I expected that to be a byproduct of the work I had on deck. My goal was to find my happy again. My goal was to get back to a place that I was proud of me and felt more at home in my body and mind. A place of empowerment and confidence … even if that meant most of the work had to be done inside the confines of my small apartment. 

It started with a lot of letting go, primarily of the frustration over the things I cannot change. I stopped being so angry about the state of the world. I stopped seeking comfort in the wrong relationships. I made it a point to get to bed earlier, and I stopped setting an alarm. I stuck with my regular journaling practice, and I finished each day by highlighting one thing that made me smile over the past 24 hours. I allowed myself to get more intuitive with my schedule, letting go of the need to plan out every little thing. I started moving more regularly, even if it that didn’t involve running. Made Zoom and FaceTime workout dates that I’d look forward to all week. I began doing the essential strength work to combat that hip injury every single morning (with a side of espresso). Pizza Friday began. I took a hard look of where I’m at with my writing and business.

The list goes on. It was a lot. But it all felt so right.

On May 5, I remember waking up after almost 9 solid hours of sleep (!) and feeling so satisfied. Light. Less anxious. More comfortable. I walked into the living room, turned on my Nespresso machine, came back to my bed, opened my journal, and wrote the following: 

I feel better and more open every day as I invest in myself.

Fast forward to yesterday. As I put my favorite gold pen to paper, I wrote this down:

I feel home.

Minutes later, I was getting some last things together before heading out the door for a run when a DM came through:

“What have you been doing to stay so toned in quarantine?! You look so fabulous!” 

… this isn’t the first message I’ve received over the past few weeks along these lines, both from people I don’t know and some from friends, too. Many of them, commenting on my appearance. Muscle tone. Size. “How have you LOST weight in quarantine?” External validation certainly feels like a drug at times. It’s human nature to want more of it. Every single time, though, I think about April. I reflect on the bad place. Every single time, I want to explain that this apparently noticeable outer change is the bi-product of SO much inner work. So many things that make me feel really proud, like I’m doing something right. Things like:

- Finally taking the time to strengthen my body instead of just running it into the ground
- Exercising because it feels good, not because I’m trying to “combat” poor dietary habits
- Being more intuitive with my eating
- Having hard conversations — with myself and others — that I’ve shied away from before
- Setting boundaries and not feeling selfish about them
- Keeping my regular therapy appointments

Listen. (If you’re this far in the newsletter, I guess you already are.)

I want you to know that it’s bigger than the outside. I don’t have a lecture to offer about building strong arms. I don’t have some secret workout I do, and I’m not sitting in my apartment spending hours lifting dumbbells. I am, however, sitting here spending hours on the other stuff — the important stuff.

It all starts within. When you take the time to work on the inside, that’s when the real you can shine through — no matter what size you may be or what definition does (or doesn’t) show in your right bicep. Beauty comes in every shape. The healthy progress you make by taking the time to invest in yourself? Love bigger? Admit the hard stuff? It may not be visible or “typical.” But it’s yours, and that’s a big deal.

Be proud of your strong heart. 
Be proud of embracing self-love.
Be proud of the work that enables you to show up during tough times.
Yeah, you can be proud of the physical, too.
But keep in mind that true outer beauty stems from a beautiful heart.
Things will still get messy. 
There will still be some desk tears from time to time.
And when things get tough?
My DMs are open

… just don’t talk to me about my arms.

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PROMPT: What’s one thing you’ve been working on that no one knows about? What makes you proud of you?